Classic Metal Showcase: Dokken's Standing In The Shadows

Dokken is one of my all time favorite metal bands, and i feel they need a little more respect and recognition. They seem to get lumped together with the other "hair metal" bands of the 80's and i feel that they are miles better than any of the junk that comes out today. And to prove it here's a underrated song from their album Back For The Attack called Standing In The Shadows.

Dokken: Standing In The Shadows

Useless Mini Reviews: Xtro

Not All Extraterrestrials Are Friendly.

Xtro is one of those movies you might have caught on TV late at night, and afterwards asked yourself this question. "What The Fuck Did I Just Watch?"

Xtro is one of the few british midnight movies that have made it to our shores(i'm not including the countless hammer movies..) Xtro was also one of the first films released by New Line Cinema, and was produced by Robert Shaye who later went on to produce a film about a serial killer with bladed fingers who haunts peoples dreams..

The plot of Xtro is really cut and dry. A kids father gets taken away by a flying saucer, gets turned into a alien in order to survive their climate, gets homesick and heads back to earth to take his son back to the alien planet and live happily ever after.

What really makes Xtro is it's shock value. Xtro contains one of the most insane birthing sequences i've ever seen..the alien chestbuster pales in comparison.

Now after this sequence the father goes and inserts himself back into his old family, and befriends his son Tony. There is a lot of needless and boring padding in this movie about family life, and other ho-hum stuff. But as soon as Tony's dad gives him the mother of all hickies, things change.

You see, know Tony has psychic alien powers. And as soon as his snake is killed by a neighbor, he goes ballistic, and uses his psychic powers to kill her with his GI Joe doll. He makes Joe grow all big and strong, and asks him to pump the old hag full of lead.

Tony still isn't finished with his revenge. He sends a black panther to attack his babysitter's boyfriend(WTF?) and he and his midget clown friend knock the babysitter over the head with a mallet and turn her into one gigantic alien baby maker.

The film climaxes with Tony's dad showing his true colors, and goes all alien on his wife while they're doing the nasty. Then he runs outside grabs tony, makes the live in boyfriend's ears bleed with a ear shattering scream(The Jonas Brothers are aliens! ) That explains everything..) And then rips off his human birthday suit, and holds Tony's hand as they beam into the flying saucer and soar into the night sky.

The film ends with a stupid shock ending where the mother goes into the kitchen opens the fridge finds some alien eggs, curiousity kills the bitch, and she gets an alien arm to the face.
THE END.

Xtro was originally supposed to end with the mother walking in the kitchen and seeing multiple clones of her son Tony supposed to have come from the alien eggs in the fridge. But producer Robert Shaye didn't think the special effects in the scene were convincing enough so he edited out and put in the ending with Rachel sitting in the middle of the field after Sam and Tony have left. But director Harry Bromden Davenport hated that idea, and reshot the ending with Rachel getting a arm to the face. Either ending still sucks.(although i like the clone idea..)

Xtro is one of those video nasties that have a few gleefully gruesome scenes, but as a whole it is simply disappointing. Bad acting, an annoying synthzizer score, and it's random shit tendencies make this a miss in my book. Xtro is a nihilistic slice of british cinema that should be left on the shelf.

**

Watch The Crazy As Hell Birthing Sequence Below.

Useless Movie Reviews: Cannibal Holocaust

Cannibal Holocaust(1980) is widely considered one of the most controversial movies ever made, and rightfully so. With it's combination of gruesome visuals, and arresting on film slaughterings of live animals, this is one fucked up movie.

The film begins with one of the most beautiful opening credits sequences i've seen in a long time. Director Rugerro Dedato chose the perfect locations for the opening scenes. For a film about human cruelty to the highest degree the opening credits give the viewer a sense of peace. For a while anyway. But what really makes the credits is the underrated score by Riz Ortolani.

Watch The Main Titles Here...

After the opening credits we are introduced to a fairly innocent and naive looking documentary crew laughing it up with their nature guide, and having some old fashioned fun. As their plane takes off into the sky we are relocated to some major city in italy which happens to have a giant billboard of Dracula(1979) starring Frank Langella. Anyway, some reporter is talking about the sad story behind the disappearance of those documentary filmmakers...

Act I

The first act involves a university professor who heads over to the amazon jungle with a crew of a experience guide, a military officer, and a civilized native to find out what really happened to the missing documentary team. Where the film really begins to pick up steam is before the professor shows up. A group of military goons armed to the teeth go on a shooting spree, and kill every cannibal native they see. Eventuallty capturing one alive so they can use him to lead the crew to the natives den.

Once the professor arrives the crew go on a nature hike through the jungles and rivers of the amazon searching for the Yanomamo and Shamatari tribes, who just happen to like snacking on some freshly smoked human meat..

Then we get the pleasure to see one of the most unsettling sex scenes ever filmed. If you get a boner watching this you are one sick mother fucker. the professor and the crew hide in the bushes and watch a native male punish a female native by anhilihating her vagina with a stone penis. And he isn't done after that..he then takes a big rock, shoves jagged sticks into the mud covered rock and drives it mutliple times into her happy place. Then he promptly bashes her head in.

During this sequence the director does not cut away from any of the extreme violence. it is shown in graphic detail, and it is one of the many sequences in this film that are hard to watch.

After this senseless and brutal murder, we are briefly given the chance to witness the lighter side of the cannibal tribes. The professor bathes naked in the filthy river with the fellow naked native women, and shares a hunk of human liver with the tree people. But not all is fine and dandy in the happy cannibal reservation..the professor and his crew look around the tree fort and finally find what they were looking for, and then some...Act two ends with a close up of a crude mobile of human skulls, and tiny tin cans which happen to be film canisters.
(Other stuff happens in act one as well like the guide kills a muskrat(?), Various sequences of the natives running around naked, and having multiple orgies..and it's not very sexy.. and they share some white crap in a bowl..)

Act II

Act two begins after the professor and his crew return back to the city with film in hand. Now of course the various different production companies are curious about what is on the film, and decide to give it a rough cut screening for various different big wigs, and employ the professor as the host. Now everything seems just fine until the rough footage starts to play...

the rough pseudo-documentary called The Green Inferno begins with actual stock footage of Edi Amin's atrocities by firing squad. Then we get introduced in person to our intrepid crew..

Jack Anders- A Blonde Mustached Pretty Boy Who Happens To Be Able To Use A Camera..

Alan Yates- The Director Of This Film, And The Boy Toy Of The Script Girl.

Faye Daniels- Boy Toy Alan Yates Lover, And She's Got A Nice Ass Too..

Mark Tomaso- Another Freakin' Cameraman, And A Horny Asshole To Boot.

Chaco- South American Guide, Amputee Victim.

The documentary flock then heads off into the steamy amazon jungles to search for the cannibal tribes. But in order to survive the long trip, the crew decides to look for something to eat. And what follows is one of the most upsetting, and intense scenes of animal cruelty ever seen on film.

Jack, And Mark capture a live river turtle and slowly cut it's shell of it's back. What makes the scene even more cringe worthy is that the turtles legs are still kicking while they're slicing it open. When Faye throws up, it is not fake. The actress herself literally blew chunks watching the actors who played Jack Anders. And Mark Tomaso cut open the river turtle.

But the senseless slaying of the turtle isn't the only scene of graphic animal cruelty in Cannibal Holocaust. Here's a list of the animals that were slaughtered for the sake of cinema.

Tree Spider- Crushed with a machete by Alan Yates(Happened to be a rare species of spider at the time.)

Squirrel Monkey- Decapitated with a machete.

Snake- Decapitated with a machete and left for dead.

Pig- Kicked multiple times and shot in the head.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FOOTAGE IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE WITH A FAINT HEART, OR A WEAK STOMACH. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

After they have their turtle lunch the crew finally finds the cannibal natives camp. And when they find out that there's not enough action for a possible academy award winning documentary about cannibals, worthy of the title The Green Inferno. So they committed one of the most atrocious acts I have ever seen on the screen. In order to spice things up they light the natives camp on fire, and corral a bundle of natives and lock them in a hut, and burn them alive. Afterwards they blame it on the opposing native tribe and film a still breathing native whom they burned alive, to add some emphasis on their lies.

But they don't stop there..Jack and Alan decide to rape one of the natives. Which makes for yet another uncomfortable sequence of profoundly disturbing lust. while Jack and Mark are fulfilling their carnal desires, a native male is hiding in the bushes watching it all(which explains the adultery punishment we saw earlier..)

The films last 2o minutes are a brutal assault to senses. One by one the documentary crew are mercilessly butchered and eaten alive. But the camera still keeps on rolling even when Jack is castrated by the cannibals. The brutality continues with the natives cutting Jack in half, and feasting on his organs. Up next is Alan who is also castrated and eaten. Then Faye is not only beaten with sticks, but raped and then decapitated. The final sequence is the cameraman Mark Tomaso getting ambushed and beaten to a bloody pulp. We are also shown the iconic image of a female impaled upon a spit through her mouth.
(Act two had other things happen as well but most were just backstories on the documentary crew, and meetings with the professor and the production companies.)

As a whole Cannibal Holocaust is a relentless display of the darkest side of man. A cinematic tour of the disgusting and perverse. Cannibal Holocaust is all of these things, but one thing it isn't is poorly made. It features fantastic direction by Ruggero Dedato, and any film that takes as many chances as CH does deserves some recognition. Cannibal Holocaust is a film that everyone must see at least once. If they can stomach it that is..

***1/2