Useless Mini Reviews: The Telephone(1988)

The Telephone. A film that was supposedly so horrible that the star Whoopi Goldberg herself tried to stop New World Pictures from releasing it. But I found a copy of it on VHS,and I decided to give it a chance. And I'm glad i did. You see this movie is in a class of it's own. It took a lot of balls to make a movie about basically one person all by herself talking on a telephone. And first time director Rip Torn managed to do commendable job keeping things interesting. Unlike most reviewers i thought it wasn't boring at all. It kept my interest because it was so refreshing,and original. I also look at this film as a showcase of how talented Whoopi Goldberg really is. She delivers a barrage of really cool improvisations,like a chinese waiter,a texas accented cowboy,an irish priest,a british lady,a new yorker,and even a horny black man called Leroy. While none of these characters were laugh out loud funny,they were definitely entertaining. Even Elliot Gould showed up as a Whoopi's sleazy ex-agent. As a whole The Telephone will be most remembered for it's totally unpredictable ending. SPOILER!! The telephone company sends a man over to take Whoopi's telephone(John Heard) but Whoopi is reluctant. So the telephone man tells her that the phone has been disconnected for three months! Which means Whoopi is officialy a grade A nutball. But she still can't believe that the telephone is disconnected, so when the man goes to take her phone away from her, she stabs him in the chest with a kitchen knife! She then calls an imaginary police station afterwards claiming that "She's been a bad,bad girl."

In my opinion,this film is not really a comedy,but more of a psychological study of a woman who is going insane. The ending alone is enough reason for anyone to see this film in my opinion. It's just so out there,and completely unexpected that it stays with you. I actually think that this is one of the most original films i've seen in years, and I believe it gets a bad rap. So if you're looking for something different than your normal movie, then dial up The Telephone.

***

Watch The Infamous "Killer" Ending Below...

WWE Theme Songs: Kurt Angle

This Is One Of The Simplest Themes But It Strikes A Chord For Me Especially Because Kurt Angle Is A Complete Asshole,And When The Fans Started Chanting You Suck! You Suck! To The Exact Beat Of The Song,It Became Iconic. So Here's Kurt Angle's Entrance Theme From His Days In WWE...

I'M NO ANIMAL!!

Here's A Rare Song From The Jason Lives Soundtrack...
I'm No Animal
By Felony

Useless Movie Reviews: Halloween III: Season Of The Witch

Why this film is so universally panned is beyond me..The main argument against this cool little chiller is that it doesn't have Michael Myers. Therefore it must be total shit. If we use that same logic then Halloween 6 is better than 3...

Now on to the review..It's been quite awhile since i saw this movie,so bear with me on some of the missed details..

The story behind Halloween III: Season Of The Witch is that John Carpenter wanted to continue the Halloween franchise without Michael Myers so he convinced universal to make this film,and Carpenter personally hired one of his proteges Tommy Lee Wallace to direct the picture. If the film was successful(Which it was not..) there would be a Halloween IV centering around a ghost story. But that never happened.

The film begins with a rather cool opening titles sequence centering around the digitized formation of a jack-o lantern..Don't believe me? See for yourself.

Pretty bitchin' Eh? Gotta love that creepy 80's synth score. after the credits sequence we are introduced to some old man,who happens to have a pumpkin mask in his pocket. Well out of nowhere comes this black car which is circling around the junkyard(that this guy probably lives in..) And inside this car are these guys in suits. The men in black perhaps? One of them corners the old hobo,and starts to strangle him..but the hobo gets a hold of the chain that just happens to be connected to the stone block holding an old car in place..one thing leads to another,and blammo! smashed MIB. But he doesn't bleed he just kinda crunches..Which makes me believe that he's either a robot or some kind of alien. The hobo then runs off into the night...

After we are introduced to the men in suits aka the MIS..the old guy whose name happens to be Harry Grimbridge finds his way to an old gas station where some black guy is taking some free time watching the news,and eating some grub(The news is some rather random stuff about Stonehenge..more on that later.) Then we are forced to witness what might be one of the most annoying,and creepy as fuck commercials in cinema history...





Now that that's out of the way...next we get to know the main character in this film Dr.Challis played by Tom Atkins. He's just bought some Halloween masks for his kids,and he heads over to his divorced wife's house to give them to em. But his wife already bought them masks..Silver Shamrock masks!! But before Challis can bitch slap his wife into the next century,he gets called in for work. He heads over to the hospital,and his newest patient just happens to be our old friend Harry Grimwald. He looks like total shit,and doesn't seem like he's even alive. But then a Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing on the TV and he goes all apeshit. Telling everyone that they're gonna die,and that they're gonna kill us all. So Challis treats him like any other nut and puts him in a separate room and gives him some drugs to help him calm down. But as soon as Dr. Challis leaves to his own personal quarters, a man in a suit shows up and is quietly humming while slipping on a pair of leather gloves. What tune he's humming i have no idea. Just the image of a would be killer humming a tune is creepy to me..Then the man in the suit heads over to Harry's room,and kneels on the bed and carefully crushes his face. How lovely! He then wipes the blood off his gloves on a nearby curtain. (That's no way to treat fine linen buster!) Of course the nurse finds Harry's dead body screams her head off,and lets the man leave. Then she gets ahold of Challis,and tells him to call the police,but before he can do so, Challis witnesses something very strange...




Now that's some fucked up shit! The next few sequences are what I call filler..the police investigate the hospital, Challis checks out the body,meets Harry's daughter Elle briefly,and then asks a fellow co-worker for an illegal favor(which she agrees to..) and then Challis heads over to the local bar for some drinks,and he doesn't like watching cartoons so he tells the bartender to switch the channel..And a familiar fellow appears along with that annoying commercial again...




Then Elle shows up and convinces Challis to come with her on some wild goose chase for her father's memory or some shit like that. But first she gives him a quick tour of the old toy shop that Harry used to own. Yawn. Then they head off in a automobile to Santa Mira california to visit the Silver Shamrock factory. But first they sign into a pink hotel with a nutty owner who speaks in an irish accent..Then we are given the pleasure to witness Cochran in all his infinite glory for the first time. His car anyway..and then some goofy as fuck family with some cheesy as hell 80's song playing in the background. Their son's name is Little Buddy. and he wants to take a tour of the mask factory..Then some loudspeaker starts blaring some creepy as fuck elevator music,and starts saying curfew over and over again..Something smells fishy about this Santa Mira place..Then Challis goes and gets some liquor,and gets startled by another old hobo who starts babbling on about it's the last Halloween for Cochran and his factory..Then he gets his head ripped off by two guys in suits. Damn. those guys are no fun. One little joke about fucking Cochran and it's off with his head? I'm not inviting these guys to a party anytime soon...

Watch The Infamous Head Ripping Scene Below...



After that gory bit of goodness,we are subjected to the mandatory sex scene between Challis and Elle. Why these two had to get it on is beyond me. I mean they only knew each other for two days for fuck's sake! But it's a horror movie,and at least one sex scene needs to be put in to add a little more adult flavor to the film. But it could've done without the awful elevator music in the background. Imagine making love to melodious tunes of Kenny G..that's exactly how it was in Halloween III..After the lame,and uninspired sex scene we are introduced to yet another character. Marge. Who has happened to have found a microchip thingy in a Silver Shamrock mask. and like the dumb bitch that she is,decides to figure out how it works, with a pair of tweezers. Curiousity killed the cat. Or in this case, blue laser beams,and killer spiders...

Watch The Gleefully Gruesome Microchip Death Below...



After Marge's unfortunate demise,we finally get to not only see Cochran face to face,(He's not very menacing,he's an old man with a bad comb over, he's the definition of terrifying to a T.) but we also get to take a tour of his very special Silver Shamrock mask factory. And Little Buddy,and his annoying family came along too. Buddy gets a free pumpkin mask(that has been through final processing..)and everyone's happy. That is until Elle sees the men in suits crushing her father's car..Then Challis heads back to the hotel and tries to call the police. And he gets the familiar"I'm sorry the call connot be completed. please try again." And then the Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing again in the background. Just a few minutes later,however Challis gets confronted by the men in suits. How did this battle turn out? It turned into a rather mundane series of sequences with he MIS smashing through doors,driving around aimlessly,and Challis slowly jogging,and hiding in the most obvious places imaginable..And all this manages to be really suspenseful thanks to John Carpenter And Alan Howarth's masterful score. Challis finds his way back into the factory(why he'd want to go back there puzzles me..) and he finds out that the old lady sewing ain't what she's made out to be. Then a pair of black gloves clench around his neck. See what happens next below...




I never woulda thought that robot blood looked like carrot baby food. But i digress. Challis is captured and taken to the secret final processing room by Cochran,and it is then when we find out the brutal truth about Silver Shamrock. They have stolen a piece of stonehenge hence the mention in the news earlier and are using it's mystical powers to do horrible things to kids all over the world.

Watch The Magic Pumpkin!




Now that's what i call an overkill..the kid gets killed by his halloween mask and he gets eaten by bugs as well? Halloween III takes no prisoners! Anyone's fair game,even your parents. Now Challis has been strapped to a chair,and has a Silver Shamrock skull mask placed over his head. And if you haven't had enough of the silver shamrock theme song already,Here's a montage sequence for your viewing pleasure!

Happy Halloween Kids!!



Those kids sure are having fun! I always wondered though how the hell can that kid skateboard with a mask without crashing into a fucking wall. But back to our hero Challis. He finds his way out of his predicament by breaking the TV,and cutting out of his bonds using a shard of glass. Then he goes into the air vents in search of Elle. Once he finds Elle they start putting together a plan. Cochran is planning on broadcasting the Shamrock mask commercial into televisions all across the U.S. which means thousands of kids,and parents dead as a doornail. Challis puts a stop to it by turning Cochran's evil plan against him by broadcasting the commercial throughout the processing plant. And then he and Elle dump a box of Silver Shamrock buttons(with stonehenge microchips inside..) Which causes all hell to break loose,blue laserbeams shooting off everywhere killing every robot in a suit,and creating a circle of blue energy for some reason..and Cochran dies a memorable death,but in the worst way...

Watch Conal Cocharan Turn Into A Smurf And Fade Away!




That right there is one of the reasons why this movie is not worth a four star rating..It's just so bad that it tarnishes the rest of the film. Cochran's absorbtion causes the block of stone to explode,and the factory with it. We go from the clusterfuck at the silver shamrock factory to Challis and Elle escaping in a cadillac,but something's wrong...Elle's got a blank look on her face. Oh fuck no! Not like it was that obvious...

Watch Elle Initiate The Kill Challis Directive.




Was she always a robot? If so that means Challis fucked a metal sex slave and he had no idea..

Signs That Your Date May Be A Robot Assassin

1. She stares blankly at a wall the whole time you're at dinner.
2. You ask for the knife and she gives it to you in your chest.
3. You take her hand for the dance,and her arm falls off spilling orange yogurt everywhere.

4. She doesn't drink anything.

The film then comes to close in the most morbid,and disturbing way imaginable. This ain't a happy ending folks.

"STOP IT! STOP IT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"



So that my friends is Halloween III in a nutshell. A Film that gets next to no respect because it doesn't star Michael Myers. As a stand alone film it's a nice little gem that is effectively creepy each and every time you watch it. Whether you like it or not,Halloween III is a part of the Halloween franchise,and is a welcome addition to any horror fan's collection. It continues to be a unique,and weird as fuck film that stands out from the rest. So take my advice. If you're wanting to watch something different this Halloween,then give Season Of The Witch a chance.

THE NIGHT NO ONE COMES HOME!!

Rating: ***1/2 Stars