TheMediaVault

Banned By You Tube Vol 2.-Leviathan-Moving In Stereo

2010-02-24T22:24:00.000-08:00

Banned By You Tube Vol. 1-Predator-King Of The Kill

2009-07-27T20:05:00.001-07:00

WTF?

Yes, You Tube can be a good little boy, but sometimes it fucks you in the ass with no lube. But as i've said time and time again, DON'T FUCK WITH OCP! So without further audieu here's the world premiere of the banned production by Omni Consumer Products, Predator-King Of The Kill.

ENJOY THE SHOW MOTHER FUCKERS!

Random Movie Ideas-"Daniel"

2009-07-08T17:37:00.001-07:00

Daniel(1992)
An Original Template By
Michael William Brown

I Wasn't Very Pleased With The Way Karate Kid III Ended, So After I Saw It I Came Up With An Idea After I Had Recently Watched Rocky V For The First Time On Cable. The Film Could Start Off With Daniel Entering The World Karate Championships, Training With Myagi To The Song Lightning In The Wind(By Peter Cetera) A More Rocky Montage Vibe To It As Well, Ending With Daniel Winning The Title With Mr. Myagi At His Side, Until Tragedy Strikes And Myagi Is Gunned Down By Some Street Punks. Lead By A Ruthless Drug Lord Called Homicide Jones. Then Daniel Gives Up His Title On The Grave Of Myagi. And Lives Life On The Streets Hoping To Catch Homicide Jones Who Killed His Mentor. He Even Befriends Johnny Lawrence Who Is All Grown Up, And Has A Wife And Kid. He Lets Daniel Stay With Him For A While, They Bond. And Then The Ugly Past Resurfaces Yet Again, And They Get In A Fight, And Daniel Goes Back To The Street. A Day Later Daniel Finds Johnny Dead In The Back Alley, His Neck Broken In Two. Then Daniel Sees A Kid Whose Getting Mugged By Some Thugs, And Daniel Steps In And Kicks Their Asses, And Decides To Become A Mentor To Todd Masters The New Karate Kid. They Train Together To The Tunes Of A Vince Di Cola Score, And Daniel Teaches Him Some Of The Life Lessons That Myagi Taught Him, Then Todd Enters The Local Karate Competition, And Through A Series Of Brutal Bouts Finally Gets To Face With Little Homicide aka. Maurice Jones, Who Tormented Him All These Years, And Through A Grueling Four Rounds Todd And Maurice End Up In A Tie. Todd Comes Out Fast And Furious With A Myriad Of Kick And Punch Combos Sending Maurice Reeling. He Retaliates With Brutal Clothesline Which Sends Todd Flying Onto His Back. With Nothing But Pain On His Mind He Sees Daniel In The Crowd Who Gives Him A Thumbs Up. And Todd Gets Up Off The Ground And Attacks Maurice With A Swift Kick To The Gut, And Then Sets Up The Crane Kick And Knocks Maurice Flat On His Back. "Winning Point, Todd Masters!" Todd Is Awarded The Trophy, And All Seems Well, But Then Maurice Tries To Steal The Trophy Away From Todd. Daniel Leaps Out Of The Stands Just As Homicide Fires A Couple Of Shot Near His Head From The Upper Row. Daniel Goes To Chase After Him But Then Todd Is Taken Out Of The Ring By The Rest Of The Gang. Daniel Chases Them To Their Hideout, Where He Takes Them All On With Anything He Can Get His Hands On, But There Is Too Many Of Them, So He Finds A Way To Release Todd From His Captors, And They Double Team And Utilize Series Of Roundhouse Kicks, Culminating In A Double Crane Kick Which Knocks Them All Our On The Street. Daniel Has Some Unfinished Business, And Chases Homicide Down, Corners Him And Attacks Him From Behind. Homicide Pulls Out A Switchblade, A Duel Begins .Daniel Kicks It Out Of His Hands. And The Homicide Starts Pummelling Daniel With A Pair Of Brass Knuckles. And Both Men Exchange Brutal Blow After Blow, Blood And Spit Spraying Everywhere, Both Men Are A Bloodied Broken Mess, And With Ever Last Bit Of His Strength Daniel Jump Kicks Homicide Into A Garbage Disposal. Then He Grabs The Switchblade Off The Ground And Places It Up Against Homicide's Throat. Sirens Are Heard In The Background, And Daniel Says "It's Not Worth It. You Deserve Worse." And Then Daniel Lets Homicide Goe To Jail For His Sins. The Film Ends With The New Kid In Daniel's Arms Thanking Him For Saving His Life. And The End Credits Song Is Lion Of The Land By Survivor

Experimental Lyrics
By M.W.B.

"When Your Faith Is Shattered"
It's So Hard To Believe"

"But You Raise Your Hands"
And Light The Fire Within"

"Times Are Tough"
"You're Strong Enough"

"You've Got The Power"
You've The Strength Of A Mighty Hand"

And You Strike With The Might
Of Lighting In The Wind"

"Running Across The Sand
Like The Lion Of The Land"

"Fight Fire With Fire"
"Fighting Other Men"

"And I Will Rise As
The Lion Of Land"

Cast
Ralph Macchio-Daniel Larusso
Pat Morita-Mr. Myagi
Todd Masters-Ted Jan Roberts
Homicide Jones aka. Tiberius-Billy Blanks
Little Homicide aka. Maurice-Tryone Martin
Directed By John G. Alvidsen

Daniel

A Columbia Pictures Production

1992

Shitty Sequels 1.0-The Karate Kid Part III

2009-06-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

The Reason Karate Kid III Was So Horrible Was That After The Epic Fight At The End Of II, Daniel Larusso Gets His Ass Handed To Him More Than In The First Two Films Combined. It's Like The Creators Decided To Take A Shit On Everything That Made Karate Kid's I & II So Bad Ass. The Karate Kid Part III Is One Of The Most Aggravating Movies I Have Ever Seen. I Almost Threw The Tape Out My Window When I First Saw It. If You Loved The First Two Part III Is One That You'll Either Enjoy Or Wish Was Burning In The Pits Of Cinematic Hell. I Choose The Latter.

Shitty Movie Shorts-Cycle 1

2009-06-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

Lords Of The Deep(1989)

A Roger Corman Produced Aliien Rip Off On A Five Cent Budget With One Of The Stupidest Looking Creatures I Have Ever Seen. It Looked Like A Cross Between A Bat, A Flying Squirrel, And A Bass Mouth Fish. A Film So Royally Bad That Even Bradford Dillman, And Priscilla Barnes Seem Like They'd Rather Be Dead, Then Star In This Stinker.

The Visitors(1988)

A Shitty Foreign Haunted House Flick With Atrocious Dubbing, And A Finale That Belongs In The Horror Hall Of Shame. But Any Movie Where A Kid Says Fuck At The Dinner Table Is At Least Worth Watching Right? Wrong. And It's A Crying Shame That Variety Thought This Would Chill My Bones. This Film Is Just About As Bone Chilling As Ghosthouse..Avoid It, For Your Own Good.

Leonard Part 6(1987)

An Epic Shitfest. A Movie So Terrible, That It's Fucking Unbelievable. How In The Holy Hell This Movie Was Ever Greenlit Is One Of The Grandest Mysteries Of Our Time. The Only Film Where You Will Have The Privilage To See Bill Cosby Strut His Stuff In Pink Ballet Slippers While Riding Ontop Of A Flying Ostritch Avoiding Killer Bubbles. There Is Not One Scene In This Entire Film That Is Worth Watching. It's Like A Candy Coated Acid Trip With A Mission To Torture The Viewer. If You Value Your Life, Then Do Not See This Movie.

Classic Metal Showcase: Dokken's Standing In The Shadows

2009-02-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

Dokken is one of my all time favorite metal bands, and i feel they need a little more respect and recognition. They seem to get lumped together with the other "hair metal" bands of the 80's and i feel that they are miles better than any of the junk that comes out today. And to prove it here's a underrated song from their album Back For The Attack called Standing In The Shadows.

Dokken: Standing In The Shadows

Useless Mini Reviews: Xtro

2009-02-24T21:06:00.000-08:00

Not All Extraterrestrials Are Friendly.

Xtro is one of those movies you might have caught on TV late at night, and afterwards asked yourself this question. "What The Fuck Did I Just Watch?"

Xtro is one of the few british midnight movies that have made it to our shores(i'm not including the countless hammer movies..) Xtro was also one of the first films released by New Line Cinema, and was produced by Robert Shaye who later went on to produce a film about a serial killer with bladed fingers who haunts peoples dreams..

The plot of Xtro is really cut and dry. A kids father gets taken away by a flying saucer, gets turned into a alien in order to survive their climate, gets homesick and heads back to earth to take his son back to the alien planet and live happily ever after.

What really makes Xtro is it's shock value. Xtro contains one of the most insane birthing sequences i've ever seen..the alien chestbuster pales in comparison.

Now after this sequence the father goes and inserts himself back into his old family, and befriends his son Tony. There is a lot of needless and boring padding in this movie about family life, and other ho-hum stuff. But as soon as Tony's dad gives him the mother of all hickies, things change.

You see, know Tony has psychic alien powers. And as soon as his snake is killed by a neighbor, he goes ballistic, and uses his psychic powers to kill her with his GI Joe doll. He makes Joe grow all big and strong, and asks him to pump the old hag full of lead.

Tony still isn't finished with his revenge. He sends a black panther to attack his babysitter's boyfriend(WTF?) and he and his midget clown friend knock the babysitter over the head with a mallet and turn her into one gigantic alien baby maker.

The film climaxes with Tony's dad showing his true colors, and goes all alien on his wife while they're doing the nasty. Then he runs outside grabs tony, makes the live in boyfriend's ears bleed with a ear shattering scream(The Jonas Brothers are aliens! ) That explains everything..) And then rips off his human birthday suit, and holds Tony's hand as they beam into the flying saucer and soar into the night sky.

The film ends with a stupid shock ending where the mother goes into the kitchen opens the fridge finds some alien eggs, curiousity kills the bitch, and she gets an alien arm to the face.
THE END.

Xtro was originally supposed to end with the mother walking in the kitchen and seeing multiple clones of her son Tony supposed to have come from the alien eggs in the fridge. But producer Robert Shaye didn't think the special effects in the scene were convincing enough so he edited out and put in the ending with Rachel sitting in the middle of the field after Sam and Tony have left. But director Harry Bromden Davenport hated that idea, and reshot the ending with Rachel getting a arm to the face. Either ending still sucks.(although i like the clone idea..)

Xtro is one of those video nasties that have a few gleefully gruesome scenes, but as a whole it is simply disappointing. Bad acting, an annoying synthzizer score, and it's random shit tendencies make this a miss in my book. Xtro is a nihilistic slice of british cinema that should be left on the shelf.

**

Watch The Crazy As Hell Birthing Sequence Below.

Useless Movie Reviews: Cannibal Holocaust

2009-02-23T22:03:00.001-08:00

Cannibal Holocaust(1980) is widely considered one of the most controversial movies ever made, and rightfully so. With it's combination of gruesome visuals, and arresting on film slaughterings of live animals, this is one fucked up movie.

The film begins with one of the most beautiful opening credits sequences i've seen in a long time. Director Rugerro Dedato chose the perfect locations for the opening scenes. For a film about human cruelty to the highest degree the opening credits give the viewer a sense of peace. For a while anyway. But what really makes the credits is the underrated score by Riz Ortolani.

Watch The Main Titles Here...

After the opening credits we are introduced to a fairly innocent and naive looking documentary crew laughing it up with their nature guide, and having some old fashioned fun. As their plane takes off into the sky we are relocated to some major city in italy which happens to have a giant billboard of Dracula(1979) starring Frank Langella. Anyway, some reporter is talking about the sad story behind the disappearance of those documentary filmmakers...

Act I

The first act involves a university professor who heads over to the amazon jungle with a crew of a experience guide, a military officer, and a civilized native to find out what really happened to the missing documentary team. Where the film really begins to pick up steam is before the professor shows up. A group of military goons armed to the teeth go on a shooting spree, and kill every cannibal native they see. Eventuallty capturing one alive so they can use him to lead the crew to the natives den.

Once the professor arrives the crew go on a nature hike through the jungles and rivers of the amazon searching for the Yanomamo and Shamatari tribes, who just happen to like snacking on some freshly smoked human meat..

Then we get the pleasure to see one of the most unsettling sex scenes ever filmed. If you get a boner watching this you are one sick mother fucker. the professor and the crew hide in the bushes and watch a native male punish a female native by anhilihating her vagina with a stone penis. And he isn't done after that..he then takes a big rock, shoves jagged sticks into the mud covered rock and drives it mutliple times into her happy place. Then he promptly bashes her head in.

During this sequence the director does not cut away from any of the extreme violence. it is shown in graphic detail, and it is one of the many sequences in this film that are hard to watch.

After this senseless and brutal murder, we are briefly given the chance to witness the lighter side of the cannibal tribes. The professor bathes naked in the filthy river with the fellow naked native women, and shares a hunk of human liver with the tree people. But not all is fine and dandy in the happy cannibal reservation..the professor and his crew look around the tree fort and finally find what they were looking for, and then some...Act two ends with a close up of a crude mobile of human skulls, and tiny tin cans which happen to be film canisters.
(Other stuff happens in act one as well like the guide kills a muskrat(?), Various sequences of the natives running around naked, and having multiple orgies..and it's not very sexy.. and they share some white crap in a bowl..)

Act II

Act two begins after the professor and his crew return back to the city with film in hand. Now of course the various different production companies are curious about what is on the film, and decide to give it a rough cut screening for various different big wigs, and employ the professor as the host. Now everything seems just fine until the rough footage starts to play...

the rough pseudo-documentary called The Green Inferno begins with actual stock footage of Edi Amin's atrocities by firing squad. Then we get introduced in person to our intrepid crew..

Jack Anders- A Blonde Mustached Pretty Boy Who Happens To Be Able To Use A Camera..

Alan Yates- The Director Of This Film, And The Boy Toy Of The Script Girl.

Faye Daniels- Boy Toy Alan Yates Lover, And She's Got A Nice Ass Too..

Mark Tomaso- Another Freakin' Cameraman, And A Horny Asshole To Boot.

Chaco- South American Guide, Amputee Victim.

The documentary flock then heads off into the steamy amazon jungles to search for the cannibal tribes. But in order to survive the long trip, the crew decides to look for something to eat. And what follows is one of the most upsetting, and intense scenes of animal cruelty ever seen on film.

Jack, And Mark capture a live river turtle and slowly cut it's shell of it's back. What makes the scene even more cringe worthy is that the turtles legs are still kicking while they're slicing it open. When Faye throws up, it is not fake. The actress herself literally blew chunks watching the actors who played Jack Anders. And Mark Tomaso cut open the river turtle.

But the senseless slaying of the turtle isn't the only scene of graphic animal cruelty in Cannibal Holocaust. Here's a list of the animals that were slaughtered for the sake of cinema.

Tree Spider- Crushed with a machete by Alan Yates(Happened to be a rare species of spider at the time.)

Squirrel Monkey- Decapitated with a machete.

Snake- Decapitated with a machete and left for dead.

Pig- Kicked multiple times and shot in the head.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FOOTAGE IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE WITH A FAINT HEART, OR A WEAK STOMACH. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

After they have their turtle lunch the crew finally finds the cannibal natives camp. And when they find out that there's not enough action for a possible academy award winning documentary about cannibals, worthy of the title The Green Inferno. So they committed one of the most atrocious acts I have ever seen on the screen. In order to spice things up they light the natives camp on fire, and corral a bundle of natives and lock them in a hut, and burn them alive. Afterwards they blame it on the opposing native tribe and film a still breathing native whom they burned alive, to add some emphasis on their lies.

But they don't stop there..Jack and Alan decide to rape one of the natives. Which makes for yet another uncomfortable sequence of profoundly disturbing lust. while Jack and Mark are fulfilling their carnal desires, a native male is hiding in the bushes watching it all(which explains the adultery punishment we saw earlier..)

The films last 2o minutes are a brutal assault to senses. One by one the documentary crew are mercilessly butchered and eaten alive. But the camera still keeps on rolling even when Jack is castrated by the cannibals. The brutality continues with the natives cutting Jack in half, and feasting on his organs. Up next is Alan who is also castrated and eaten. Then Faye is not only beaten with sticks, but raped and then decapitated. The final sequence is the cameraman Mark Tomaso getting ambushed and beaten to a bloody pulp. We are also shown the iconic image of a female impaled upon a spit through her mouth.
(Act two had other things happen as well but most were just backstories on the documentary crew, and meetings with the professor and the production companies.)

As a whole Cannibal Holocaust is a relentless display of the darkest side of man. A cinematic tour of the disgusting and perverse. Cannibal Holocaust is all of these things, but one thing it isn't is poorly made. It features fantastic direction by Ruggero Dedato, and any film that takes as many chances as CH does deserves some recognition. Cannibal Holocaust is a film that everyone must see at least once. If they can stomach it that is..

***1/2

Useless Mini Reviews: The Telephone(1988)

2008-11-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

The Telephone. A film that was supposedly so horrible that the star Whoopi Goldberg herself tried to stop New World Pictures from releasing it. But I found a copy of it on VHS,and I decided to give it a chance. And I'm glad i did. You see this movie is in a class of it's own. It took a lot of balls to make a movie about basically one person all by herself talking on a telephone. And first time director Rip Torn managed to do commendable job keeping things interesting. Unlike most reviewers i thought it wasn't boring at all. It kept my interest because it was so refreshing,and original. I also look at this film as a showcase of how talented Whoopi Goldberg really is. She delivers a barrage of really cool improvisations,like a chinese waiter,a texas accented cowboy,an irish priest,a british lady,a new yorker,and even a horny black man called Leroy. While none of these characters were laugh out loud funny,they were definitely entertaining. Even Elliot Gould showed up as a Whoopi's sleazy ex-agent. As a whole The Telephone will be most remembered for it's totally unpredictable ending. SPOILER!! The telephone company sends a man over to take Whoopi's telephone(John Heard) but Whoopi is reluctant. So the telephone man tells her that the phone has been disconnected for three months! Which means Whoopi is officialy a grade A nutball. But she still can't believe that the telephone is disconnected, so when the man goes to take her phone away from her, she stabs him in the chest with a kitchen knife! She then calls an imaginary police station afterwards claiming that "She's been a bad,bad girl."

In my opinion,this film is not really a comedy,but more of a psychological study of a woman who is going insane. The ending alone is enough reason for anyone to see this film in my opinion. It's just so out there,and completely unexpected that it stays with you. I actually think that this is one of the most original films i've seen in years, and I believe it gets a bad rap. So if you're looking for something different than your normal movie, then dial up The Telephone.

***

Watch The Infamous "Killer" Ending Below...

WWE Theme Songs: Kurt Angle

2008-11-02T17:45:00.000-08:00

This Is One Of The Simplest Themes But It Strikes A Chord For Me Especially Because Kurt Angle Is A Complete Asshole,And When The Fans Started Chanting You Suck! You Suck! To The Exact Beat Of The Song,It Became Iconic. So Here's Kurt Angle's Entrance Theme From His Days In WWE...

I'M NO ANIMAL!!

2008-10-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

Here's A Rare Song From The Jason Lives Soundtrack...
I'm No Animal
By Felony

Useless Movie Reviews: Halloween III: Season Of The Witch

2008-10-31T19:26:00.000-07:00

Why this film is so universally panned is beyond me..The main argument against this cool little chiller is that it doesn't have Michael Myers. Therefore it must be total shit. If we use that same logic then Halloween 6 is better than 3...

Now on to the review..It's been quite awhile since i saw this movie,so bear with me on some of the missed details..

The story behind Halloween III: Season Of The Witch is that John Carpenter wanted to continue the Halloween franchise without Michael Myers so he convinced universal to make this film,and Carpenter personally hired one of his proteges Tommy Lee Wallace to direct the picture. If the film was successful(Which it was not..) there would be a Halloween IV centering around a ghost story. But that never happened.

The film begins with a rather cool opening titles sequence centering around the digitized formation of a jack-o lantern..Don't believe me? See for yourself.

Pretty bitchin' Eh? Gotta love that creepy 80's synth score. after the credits sequence we are introduced to some old man,who happens to have a pumpkin mask in his pocket. Well out of nowhere comes this black car which is circling around the junkyard(that this guy probably lives in..) And inside this car are these guys in suits. The men in black perhaps? One of them corners the old hobo,and starts to strangle him..but the hobo gets a hold of the chain that just happens to be connected to the stone block holding an old car in place..one thing leads to another,and blammo! smashed MIB. But he doesn't bleed he just kinda crunches..Which makes me believe that he's either a robot or some kind of alien. The hobo then runs off into the night...

After we are introduced to the men in suits aka the MIS..the old guy whose name happens to be Harry Grimbridge finds his way to an old gas station where some black guy is taking some free time watching the news,and eating some grub(The news is some rather random stuff about Stonehenge..more on that later.) Then we are forced to witness what might be one of the most annoying,and creepy as fuck commercials in cinema history...

Now that that's out of the way...next we get to know the main character in this film Dr.Challis played by Tom Atkins. He's just bought some Halloween masks for his kids,and he heads over to his divorced wife's house to give them to em. But his wife already bought them masks..Silver Shamrock masks!! But before Challis can bitch slap his wife into the next century,he gets called in for work. He heads over to the hospital,and his newest patient just happens to be our old friend Harry Grimwald. He looks like total shit,and doesn't seem like he's even alive. But then a Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing on the TV and he goes all apeshit. Telling everyone that they're gonna die,and that they're gonna kill us all. So Challis treats him like any other nut and puts him in a separate room and gives him some drugs to help him calm down. But as soon as Dr. Challis leaves to his own personal quarters, a man in a suit shows up and is quietly humming while slipping on a pair of leather gloves. What tune he's humming i have no idea. Just the image of a would be killer humming a tune is creepy to me..Then the man in the suit heads over to Harry's room,and kneels on the bed and carefully crushes his face. How lovely! He then wipes the blood off his gloves on a nearby curtain. (That's no way to treat fine linen buster!) Of course the nurse finds Harry's dead body screams her head off,and lets the man leave. Then she gets ahold of Challis,and tells him to call the police,but before he can do so, Challis witnesses something very strange...

Now that's some fucked up shit! The next few sequences are what I call filler..the police investigate the hospital, Challis checks out the body,meets Harry's daughter Elle briefly,and then asks a fellow co-worker for an illegal favor(which she agrees to..) and then Challis heads over to the local bar for some drinks,and he doesn't like watching cartoons so he tells the bartender to switch the channel..And a familiar fellow appears along with that annoying commercial again...

Then Elle shows up and convinces Challis to come with her on some wild goose chase for her father's memory or some shit like that. But first she gives him a quick tour of the old toy shop that Harry used to own. Yawn. Then they head off in a automobile to Santa Mira california to visit the Silver Shamrock factory. But first they sign into a pink hotel with a nutty owner who speaks in an irish accent..Then we are given the pleasure to witness Cochran in all his infinite glory for the first time. His car anyway..and then some goofy as fuck family with some cheesy as hell 80's song playing in the background. Their son's name is Little Buddy. and he wants to take a tour of the mask factory..Then some loudspeaker starts blaring some creepy as fuck elevator music,and starts saying curfew over and over again..Something smells fishy about this Santa Mira place..Then Challis goes and gets some liquor,and gets startled by another old hobo who starts babbling on about it's the last Halloween for Cochran and his factory..Then he gets his head ripped off by two guys in suits. Damn. those guys are no fun. One little joke about fucking Cochran and it's off with his head? I'm not inviting these guys to a party anytime soon...

Watch The Infamous Head Ripping Scene Below...

After that gory bit of goodness,we are subjected to the mandatory sex scene between Challis and Elle. Why these two had to get it on is beyond me. I mean they only knew each other for two days for fuck's sake! But it's a horror movie,and at least one sex scene needs to be put in to add a little more adult flavor to the film. But it could've done without the awful elevator music in the background. Imagine making love to melodious tunes of Kenny G..that's exactly how it was in Halloween III..After the lame,and uninspired sex scene we are introduced to yet another character. Marge. Who has happened to have found a microchip thingy in a Silver Shamrock mask. and like the dumb bitch that she is,decides to figure out how it works, with a pair of tweezers. Curiousity killed the cat. Or in this case, blue laser beams,and killer spiders...

Watch The Gleefully Gruesome Microchip Death Below...

After Marge's unfortunate demise,we finally get to not only see Cochran face to face,(He's not very menacing,he's an old man with a bad comb over, he's the definition of terrifying to a T.) but we also get to take a tour of his very special Silver Shamrock mask factory. And Little Buddy,and his annoying family came along too. Buddy gets a free pumpkin mask(that has been through final processing..)and everyone's happy. That is until Elle sees the men in suits crushing her father's car..Then Challis heads back to the hotel and tries to call the police. And he gets the familiar"I'm sorry the call connot be completed. please try again." And then the Silver Shamrock commercial starts playing again in the background. Just a few minutes later,however Challis gets confronted by the men in suits. How did this battle turn out? It turned into a rather mundane series of sequences with he MIS smashing through doors,driving around aimlessly,and Challis slowly jogging,and hiding in the most obvious places imaginable..And all this manages to be really suspenseful thanks to John Carpenter And Alan Howarth's masterful score. Challis finds his way back into the factory(why he'd want to go back there puzzles me..) and he finds out that the old lady sewing ain't what she's made out to be. Then a pair of black gloves clench around his neck. See what happens next below...

I never woulda thought that robot blood looked like carrot baby food. But i digress. Challis is captured and taken to the secret final processing room by Cochran,and it is then when we find out the brutal truth about Silver Shamrock. They have stolen a piece of stonehenge hence the mention in the news earlier and are using it's mystical powers to do horrible things to kids all over the world.

Watch The Magic Pumpkin!

Now that's what i call an overkill..the kid gets killed by his halloween mask and he gets eaten by bugs as well? Halloween III takes no prisoners! Anyone's fair game,even your parents. Now Challis has been strapped to a chair,and has a Silver Shamrock skull mask placed over his head. And if you haven't had enough of the silver shamrock theme song already,Here's a montage sequence for your viewing pleasure!

Happy Halloween Kids!!

Those kids sure are having fun! I always wondered though how the hell can that kid skateboard with a mask without crashing into a fucking wall. But back to our hero Challis. He finds his way out of his predicament by breaking the TV,and cutting out of his bonds using a shard of glass. Then he goes into the air vents in search of Elle. Once he finds Elle they start putting together a plan. Cochran is planning on broadcasting the Shamrock mask commercial into televisions all across the U.S. which means thousands of kids,and parents dead as a doornail. Challis puts a stop to it by turning Cochran's evil plan against him by broadcasting the commercial throughout the processing plant. And then he and Elle dump a box of Silver Shamrock buttons(with stonehenge microchips inside..) Which causes all hell to break loose,blue laserbeams shooting off everywhere killing every robot in a suit,and creating a circle of blue energy for some reason..and Cochran dies a memorable death,but in the worst way...

Watch Conal Cocharan Turn Into A Smurf And Fade Away!

That right there is one of the reasons why this movie is not worth a four star rating..It's just so bad that it tarnishes the rest of the film. Cochran's absorbtion causes the block of stone to explode,and the factory with it. We go from the clusterfuck at the silver shamrock factory to Challis and Elle escaping in a cadillac,but something's wrong...Elle's got a blank look on her face. Oh fuck no! Not like it was that obvious...

Watch Elle Initiate The Kill Challis Directive.

Was she always a robot? If so that means Challis fucked a metal sex slave and he had no idea..

Signs That Your Date May Be A Robot Assassin

1. She stares blankly at a wall the whole time you're at dinner.
2. You ask for the knife and she gives it to you in your chest.
3. You take her hand for the dance,and her arm falls off spilling orange yogurt everywhere.

4. She doesn't drink anything.

The film then comes to close in the most morbid,and disturbing way imaginable. This ain't a happy ending folks.

"STOP IT! STOP IT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"

So that my friends is Halloween III in a nutshell. A Film that gets next to no respect because it doesn't star Michael Myers. As a stand alone film it's a nice little gem that is effectively creepy each and every time you watch it. Whether you like it or not,Halloween III is a part of the Halloween franchise,and is a welcome addition to any horror fan's collection. It continues to be a unique,and weird as fuck film that stands out from the rest. So take my advice. If you're wanting to watch something different this Halloween,then give Season Of The Witch a chance.

THE NIGHT NO ONE COMES HOME!!

Rating: ***1/2 Stars